Holiday Expectations with your Family

I am someone who loves and cherishes holidays as it is cozy with lots of colourful decorations, festive music, special food only eaten at this time of year, and all kinds of social gatherings.  I also recognize it is a challenging time for many of us.  It may be a time of year that brings up many difficult emotions related to our families such as: grief, hurt, sadness, fear, disappointment, and anger.  It is a time of year we are encouraged to spend time together with our families which can be a source of connection and good memories.  However, family gatherings around the holidays may be challenging as well. Know that you are not alone if you have conflicting feelings around this time of year and with family gatherings.  The holidays are jammed pack with expectations around getting together with extended family.  Both expectations others have on you and expectations you may have on yourself about the holidays and interactions with others may overwhelm or create anxiety and stress as you find yourself feeling pulled into old patterns within your family of origin and you may even feel powerless and not understand how you get pulled back into “old” patterns.  There are some ways to begin to reduce stress for yourself in the holidays with some preparation.  It is important to take some time to distinguish between other’s expectations of you and what works for you.  It is healthy to have boundaries in relationships to take care of your mental health.  Having boundaries allows you to have more energy and enjoy the events of the holidays as you are freed from feeling guilt, anger, or resentment.

Some strategies for dealing with family at holidays prior to the event:

• Take time prior to going to family gatherings to have compassion towards yourself. Remember that family gatherings can bring up difficult emotions, memories, relationship patterns, and old coping strategies.

• Before the busyness begins this season spend some time journalling or just writing about the expectations you feel the weight of: divide a sheet of paper in half and on one side of the page write out all your expectations coming internally from yourself and on the other side of the page write out all the expectations you feel coming from external sources (culture, media, others in your life).  Take a look at both sides of the lists of expectation and ask yourself if you can let any of them go for yourself?

Prior to going to the family gathering take some time to centre yourself through small intentional ways of being present for yourself, such as: 

• Meditation,

• Journalling,

• Dancing when no one is around,

• Snuggling with a pet,

• Listening to your favourite playlist,

• Colouring,

• Making something with your hands (baking, pottery, woodworking),

• Stretching,

• Eating a balanced diet amongst all the holiday treats, 

• Taking some time to do something by yourself and say something kind to yourself.

Once you are at the family gathering:

Give yourself some space or moments (5-10 minutes) to check-in with yourself at the family gathering. Do you notice any tension anywhere in your body?  Going into a family gathering give yourself permission to take time outs to care for yourself.  This may look like:

• Excusing yourself and going to the bathroom and reading on your phone some grounding thoughts to say to yourself that you find calming. 

• Go for a short walk, 

• Go for a drive to create some space (maybe it can look like picking up a last minute item for a meal or something that you need from the grocery store or going through drive-thru at your favourite coffee shop), 

• Listen to a song that is calming, 

• Color, 

• Do a crossword puzzle, 

• Play solitaire with a deck of cards or on your phone, or a word search.

Try to be creative about what a break looks like.  It can be transformative to interactions with others if you can care for yourself first.  Having a time limit with family, if you can, may be helpful.  Plan to have other accommodations other than staying at the family home overnight, if this visit is out of town and if there is this option and it feels right to you.

After you leave the family gathering:

Remind yourself of how you are doing your best and changing how you feel and interact with both yourself and others takes time but the fact that there is even a beginning of awareness for you is a big deal.  Remember you are worthy of being respected and kind to yourself especially when establishing boundaries in relationships. 

“When we relate to ourselves with tender self-compassion, we care for and nurture ourselves.  When we relate to ourselves with fierce self-compassion, we assert our autonomy and stand up for our rights.”

—Kristin Neff, Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive